the escape

I bowed out gracefully in a quiet attempt to escape
after a hushed toned conversation about not giving a fuck
about friendship all those miles apart
a misunderstanding between two people. us. love.
I didn’t have enough heart to tell the people I walked
wasn’t sure it made much sense or that it would to them
too many pictures and poems they’ve seen documenting this thing
wasn’t sure it made much sense or that it would to friends
because after anxious embraces at airport baggage claims
and fucking sans condoms with few thoughts of plan b pills
it didn’t make sense
we wanted children
we wanted children
we wanted children
but instead miscarried the love
kick push aborted these dreams
there will be no front porch swings
or lemonade nor will we get tangled
in oxygen tank cords you will not
love me writing with arthritis and leaving
poems with letters under my pillows like
you did back then
saying…

“save this to show to the kids as proof of our undying love”

now I’m just singing along to a new drake song
“don’t fuck with me, don’t fuck with me…”
staring at this mess of love on the floor beneath me
happy that you’re not here with me
hoping that you will indeed forget me
that you’ll hate me
because it’s easier to make sense of
why you can’t fully love me
and I can’t fully love you.

#?: untitled.

i gotta move on
pack my bags....

of everything i forgot to do
it was to wash the sheets
crumpled up and lodged in a corner
of my red suitcase with black scars
i found them

f*ck your scent
and your memory
f*ck you being in me
still.

im muttering
while clenching these damn sheets.

10: grapefruit.

i traded church for vodka last night
mixed with izze grapefruit soda
hoping you would meet me
half way down my throat
in between the bubble
but
you never came.

9: no more walls.

dance: my toes flicker to life
your liqueur runs down my thigh
not alone but lonely
you have no heart to match with mine
the heat is too bright
still you dance frightened inside
yet smiling the whole time
i want to set you free
but captive you hold onto your own keys
please
break these walls
like assata say
please let your walls fall
so we can keep dancing
like jericho tribe
over rubble and troubled
pieces of shattered love
i will rebuild your heart
with my own veins
please
let us dance tonight.

8: dear god.

1898: sitting in heaven's skies.

dear god,

i miss the muslim man
who i divided my faith in half for
decided to walk down another path for
he was the brotha i shed blood for
the brotha i drowned
and broke earth for
i danced
i tripped the light
i dove into layers of ocean blue
i died.

just to see him again
so let me now leave
and start life again
please
give me back to him...

1975

there he is dancing
smiling
reaching out for me
with those lanky arms
with that big ass head
'come on baby dance with me'
he laughing
im shaking
thanking
dear god you amazing
for this love over again each life time.

-me.

7: i know why

i know why i still love you.
one day i sat on your grandmama sofa
and she took my hands in hers
she said

promise me youll always take care of my grandson

and i smiled.

thats why im out here carryin the nine
got it clipped to my heart.
for you.

6: searching is what got us here anyway

broken we say
we
need
a love
savior.

so we meet under moonlight
and
you push until my whole body
is under the bed
nothing left in view but
my legs

tonight there will be no fasting
you say.

you are going to eat until
you find savior in me

and i need the same
i take large portions
swallow you whole
searching for a savior
in your soul.

still
broken.