#?: untitled.

i gotta move on
pack my bags....

of everything i forgot to do
it was to wash the sheets
crumpled up and lodged in a corner
of my red suitcase with black scars
i found them

f*ck your scent
and your memory
f*ck you being in me
still.

im muttering
while clenching these damn sheets.

10: grapefruit.

i traded church for vodka last night
mixed with izze grapefruit soda
hoping you would meet me
half way down my throat
in between the bubble
but
you never came.

9: no more walls.

dance: my toes flicker to life
your liqueur runs down my thigh
not alone but lonely
you have no heart to match with mine
the heat is too bright
still you dance frightened inside
yet smiling the whole time
i want to set you free
but captive you hold onto your own keys
please
break these walls
like assata say
please let your walls fall
so we can keep dancing
like jericho tribe
over rubble and troubled
pieces of shattered love
i will rebuild your heart
with my own veins
please
let us dance tonight.

8: dear god.

1898: sitting in heaven's skies.

dear god,

i miss the muslim man
who i divided my faith in half for
decided to walk down another path for
he was the brotha i shed blood for
the brotha i drowned
and broke earth for
i danced
i tripped the light
i dove into layers of ocean blue
i died.

just to see him again
so let me now leave
and start life again
please
give me back to him...

1975

there he is dancing
smiling
reaching out for me
with those lanky arms
with that big ass head
'come on baby dance with me'
he laughing
im shaking
thanking
dear god you amazing
for this love over again each life time.

-me.

7: i know why

i know why i still love you.
one day i sat on your grandmama sofa
and she took my hands in hers
she said

promise me youll always take care of my grandson

and i smiled.

thats why im out here carryin the nine
got it clipped to my heart.
for you.

6: searching is what got us here anyway

broken we say
we
need
a love
savior.

so we meet under moonlight
and
you push until my whole body
is under the bed
nothing left in view but
my legs

tonight there will be no fasting
you say.

you are going to eat until
you find savior in me

and i need the same
i take large portions
swallow you whole
searching for a savior
in your soul.

still
broken.

5: jenesaispas

je t'aime beaucoup

mais...pourquoi?

je ne sais pas.



come dance on the tip of the eiffle with me

let there be no photos taken in front of it

please do with me what you never dreamed...



i love you

but...why?

i dont know.

4: the children.

the children wont stop dancing
in my head
asking 'mama when daddy comin home?'
they spinning their locks
heart beating with the air drum
asking 'mama why you fall in love with a martyr?'
a man so sinful yet righteous willing
to be john himself
for the people
decapitated
he did once love salome.
mama wake up daddy will never come home
he is gone.
our son with solemn eyes and
intentional words stops dancing
and stares at the children
states, 'the revolution requires us to take up arms'
they all link theirs. palms sweaty.
'daddy aint comin back yall'
the children cry.
he aint comin back.

im ok with that.

3: f*ck love.

i erased the poem too many times.

seem like love too much for me to string words
i cant perform magic today
the knife cuttin my womb too deep.
i cant play imagination
cant create characters who
remind me of us
there aint gonna be no laughter tonight
just silent tears
superficial moans
screeches of tires
taps of fake nails on cheap kitchen counters
ashes
f*ck love if it do this.

the therapist say i gotta leave you
cold turkey
no matter how much i love you
she say i gotta leave
i gotta go
she say i cant even write you no mo'
apathy aint never been my thing
but i done tried more than a few times
and you still sitting there.
smilin at me
when you dont give a damn.

when mama say she always gon love you
my heart shatters
and brotha said
if im still observing ramadan then i damn sure still love you
been on my knees for 700 days
praying aint did much more than apathy.

f*ck love.

2: destruction.

i want for nothing.
still this destructive force
calls me.
i breathe uneasy.
unfamilar with love
i walk on
and the blood drips.

1: out my mind.

"i'm a recovering undercover over lover...recovering from a love i cant get over"

i cant write fast enough
broken pencils on the floor
ink stains on tips of fingers
pages. full. still not filled.
my...365 century lover
seems i cant get over.
you MUST HAVE saved my life
when i wanted to jump ship and drown
must have grabbed my wrist
and pointed gun at my face
whispering...

"i love you and i will not let you die by massa's fate"

lets go. i cant wait.
strapped babies to your back with burlap sack
and pulled me through salty tears
heartbreaking fears
following stars
north south east west
i cant forget
we have loved (at) each point equally
who are we?
if not still holding on to one another?
no longer my lover
but not quite a brother...

i'm wondering...
did we leave notebooks and pens
scattered on tables with drops of grapefruit juice
staining them
running from those who watch us
grabbing bags and fleeing the country
once again?
we must have. i've been burning to find out
what happened then (?)
tired of wonderin...

"man...f*ck this sh*t. i'm so addicted i cant quit. i'm tired of this..."

time for me to make some steps.
easy to blame somebody else (who?)
but not this time.
not this time i wont make no steps?
or not this time i wont blame nobody else?

i am deciding while writing
because thats what you and i do best
translate each phrase lodged behind our heart (do we share one?) [nah]
the love. not dried up. is hidden there.
held hostage begging me for freedom
but not this time...
no.

just out my mind. poppin. and. breakin. for. you.